It started with feeling irritated over small issues. I didn’t look forward to spending time with my baby. My in-laws would make me loose my nerve. For no reason at all, I was getting angry at home. Even in the office, I didn’t feel like working anymore. I was losing enthusiasm for life and struggling to enjoy the things that would usually make me happy.
Gradually I lost interest in reading or any other activities and was losing confidence to talk to anyone. With days passing by, I started to loose weight, which i thought was normal after giving birth. My face was losing its glow, it looked dull and gloomy, but little did I care. Everyone, including me thought, I was just becoming lazy. Disturbed sleep at night started causing dark circles round my eyes. My body felt lethargic and my head felt dizzy as always, and my shoulders felt the load of burden that I never carried.
I couldn’t explain what was happening to me to anyone, so I remained silent. Even small household tasks seemed too much for me, and at work I started making mistakes because of my lack of concentration.
My husband was trying so hard to make me happy, but his failure to do so seemed to be irritating him too. Instead of cheering me up, family get togethers were having the reverse effect on me. It felt as though my husband and my family were kind of fed up with me. I felt as though thought me too arrogant to talk to them and spend time with them.
I just wanted them to understand it’s not that I was proud of anything, I just wanted to be in my little space. I know birthdays and celebrations are days to be happy, but I just couldn’t bring myself to participate.
I just wanted them to ask me, “What is going on with you? What has happened to you?” Instead of judging me.
Going to work was too tiring, so I made the decision to take leave, but informing the office seemed so hard. I’d started becoming anxious and afraid. I felt like, all my colleagues has conspired against me to throw me out of my job. At home, I felt as though my in-laws were planning to throw me out.
These thoughts haunted me all night. I became so anxious and scared that I asked a colleague whether they had complained against me. Everyone denied this, but I knew they were lying. I became more lost, and eventually I stopped going to work.
It was then that I was diagnosed with depression, after almost two years of my struggle.
Now I have a diagnosis, I realise why I was feeling the way I felt. Now I can tell myself that I will be fine someday. Slowly I may be able to manage it, with the support and medication.
Yet people still have questions.
“How can I have depression when I am living a fulfilled life?” I am married to a loving husband, own a house, have a lovely daughter, in-laws to support and a secure job.
People ask, “What is there to worry about? Enjoy your life while you are still young.” But that is what I am unable to do right now. I just want to be in my small little cosy, safe, place.
At work, people judge me for being slow, or working with less enthusiasm, but depression makes it difficult to bring that level of energy sometimes.
Depression is not just sadness, it is an illness which needs time to be healed or sometimes need to be managed throughout life.
I wish there was more awareness so that people were able to suffer less, get an early diagnosis and access to treatment.
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